Advice for Family Financial Problem, Please!!!

June2007 · #1 (**permalink**) 09-07-2007, 02:10 AM

Hello, newbie here. Hoping to benefit from some of the wisdom I've read in this forum. Here's my situation in as condensed a form as possible: My husband and I are in our mid-forties with no kids and little debt besides our mortgage. We have a comfortable income and a reasonable start on retirement savings. It has taken us a long time to get here, but now I am having to worry about a family situation.

My sister is in her late forties, married to a formerly successful entrepreneur who went bankrupt. They have been struggling with a small business for more than ten years, and they don't make ends meet. My sister is in poor health (obese, etc.) and doesn't work (aside from helping out with the failing business) because she suffers from depression. Apparently the anti-depressants she's been on forever make things just bearable enough to breathe, but not enough to get a regular job. Her husband is sixty, also obese, and convinced he is too good to work for anyone else (even though he is a high school dropout). They have two pre-teen kids. My parents, who are in their early 70's, more or less support the family, including letting them live in a mobile home they financed and still owe 20k on (it's already trashed) and paying for health insurance for the children. My parents tried to get insurance for my sister, but she was declined.

My mother still works because she and my dad (who is a diabetic in extremely poor health) can't live on their social security alone, and they are in huge debt because of supporting my sister and her family. The scary part is, my sister is starting to have some very frightening medical problems. I'm afraid for my sister's health, of course, but I am also angry and worried because my parents are going to end up losing everything paying my sister's medical bills, and then it will be upon my husband and me to bail my parents out. There's much more to the story, of course, but that's the nutshell version.

Has anyone else here had a similar situation? I just don't know how to handle all of this. I should also mention that, although I speak to my parents weekly on the phone, they and my sister and her family live in Missouri, while my husband and I live in California, and rarely see them.

Any advice much appreciated!

June

letsgetahead · #2 (**permalink**) 09-12-2007, 06:19 AM

Since your sister's family is apparently the root source of all of this, I would suggest focusing your attention mainly on them. Have a firm talk with them and make sure they are aware of what (no nice way to say this) their lazy and unhealthy lifestyle is doing to your parents (and their children who deserve better) and how unfair it is to them in the years they should be enjoying. Be frank with them and offer to help in any way you can as long as they do something in return (otherwise my feeling is they will just see you as a new source to take advantage of) for you and I'll leave that up to you to decide what the return will be, but I would encourage it to be something along the lines of taking some pressure off your parents. Also, encourage your parents to show a bit of tough love and not just give handouts to this extreme, even if it is their own children. We all want to see our children do as good as possible and always want to give them as much as possible, but there are limits to everything and in this case it appears some serious lines have been crossed. At the end of the day however, at this time it really is between your parents and your sister's family and while it may really pain you to watch, if your sister's family is determined to take advantage and your parents are willing to be taken advantage of, there's not going to be a lot you can do other than be supportive but tough.

Probably not much help, but it's the best I have. Best of luck.

sapphirecapital · #3 (**permalink**) 09-13-2007, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by June2007

Hello, newbie here. Hoping to benefit from some of the wisdom I've read in this forum. Here's my situation in as condensed a form as possible: My husband and I are in our mid-forties with no kids and little debt besides our mortgage. We have a comfortable income and a reasonable start on retirement savings. It has taken us a long time to get here, but now I am having to worry about a family situation.

My sister is in her late forties, married to a formerly successful entrepreneur who went bankrupt. They have been struggling with a small business for more than ten years, and they don't make ends meet. My sister is in poor health (obese, etc.) and doesn't work (aside from helping out with the failing business) because she suffers from depression. Apparently the anti-depressants she's been on forever make things just bearable enough to breathe, but not enough to get a regular job. Her husband is sixty, also obese, and convinced he is too good to work for anyone else (even though he is a high school dropout). They have two pre-teen kids. My parents, who are in their early 70's, more or less support the family, including letting them live in a mobile home they financed and still owe 20k on (it's already trashed) and paying for health insurance for the children. My parents tried to get insurance for my sister, but she was declined.

My mother still works because she and my dad (who is a diabetic in extremely poor health) can't live on their social security alone, and they are in huge debt because of supporting my sister and her family. The scary part is, my sister is starting to have some very frightening medical problems. I'm afraid for my sister's health, of course, but I am also angry and worried because my parents are going to end up losing everything paying my sister's medical bills, and then it will be upon my husband and me to bail my parents out. There's much more to the story, of course, but that's the nutshell version.

Has anyone else here had a similar situation? I just don't know how to handle all of this. I should also mention that, although I speak to my parents weekly on the phone, they and my sister and her family live in Missouri, while my husband and I live in California, and rarely see them.

Any advice much appreciated!

June

June

First of all you need to stop your parents to expose themselves to your sisters family. Then you have to have a long talk with your sister. She first needs to make sure that the kids are either covered by medicare for their healt insurance and some social worker looks into the State Programs. If your sister and her husband are in a bad way, medicare will cover them as well.

If Medicare does not cover them, the state program to cover the uninsured should work its mysterious ways when they see the emergency room from time to time.

Then the paperwork has to be in order, meaning there have to be trusts and health directives looked at.

In regards of jobs there are christian and other faith foundations and programs who can help for reintegration.

Your parents need to stop this before it gets to much for them.

you can contact me direct if you need addresses and details etc, I'm in Orange County CA

James13242 · #4 (**permalink**) 09-16-2007, 01:27 PM

I would agree that you need to get you parents to accept the need to place distance between them and your sister. The situation that you descibe is one where your sisters family will not take responsibility for their life in general (health, finances, etc). As long as family continues to bail them out, they will remain on this course. This sounds to be a situation where tough love is the best policy. Do not allow your family's situation to destroy everything that your household has worked hard to achieve. I would under no circumstance loan them any money. If you are in a comfortable enough situation, you could consider offering them an incentive that for specific spending needs, you will match 10%, 25%, 50% of their earnings toward that spending need as a gift.

Hermes · #5 (**permalink**) 09-17-2007, 03:03 PM

I agree with the previous two posts. The first thing you need to do is to get your parents to understand that they need to quit paying for your sisters family needs especially the situation they are in.

There a programs out there where your sister and her family can get help but it seems as they are used to the fact that the family will step in and bail them out which is one, if not the main reason, why they choose to live the way they do.

It is family and I understand that this is a tough situation which you are in but you don't want to sacrifce everything that you and your husband have worked for due to the irresponsible behaviour of your sister.

Your sisters husband need to realize that if the business is going bankrupt it is time to get over his pride and look for a job in order to support his family.

Husain · #6 (**permalink**) 10-06-2007, 11:42 AM

thank you...

Fred333 · #7 (**permalink**) 10-12-2007, 11:45 AM

All very good points. Hermes hit the nail on the head. Everyone just needs to grow up and tighten the boot straps up.

financeman45 · #8 (**permalink**) 10-21-2007, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by June2007

Hello, newbie here. Hoping to benefit from some of the wisdom I've read in this forum. Here's my situation in as condensed a form as possible: My husband and I are in our mid-forties with no kids and little debt besides our mortgage. We have a comfortable income and a reasonable start on retirement savings. It has taken us a long time to get here, but now I am having to worry about a family situation.

My sister is in her late forties, married to a formerly successful entrepreneur who went bankrupt. They have been struggling with a small business for more than ten years, and they don't make ends meet. My sister is in poor health (obese, etc.) and doesn't work (aside from helping out with the failing business) because she suffers from depression. Apparently the anti-depressants she's been on forever make things just bearable enough to breathe, but not enough to get a regular job. Her husband is sixty, also obese, and convinced he is too good to work for anyone else (even though he is a high school dropout). They have two pre-teen kids. My parents, who are in their early 70's, more or less support the family, including letting them live in a mobile home they financed and still owe 20k on (it's already trashed) and paying for health insurance for the children. My parents tried to get insurance for my sister, but she was declined.

My mother still works because she and my dad (who is a diabetic in extremely poor health) can't live on their social security alone, and they are in huge debt because of supporting my sister and her family. The scary part is, my sister is starting to have some very frightening medical problems. I'm afraid for my sister's health, of course, but I am also angry and worried because my parents are going to end up losing everything paying my sister's medical bills, and then it will be upon my husband and me to bail my parents out. There's much more to the story, of course, but that's the nutshell version.

Has anyone else here had a similar situation? I just don't know how to handle all of this. I should also mention that, although I speak to my parents weekly on the phone, they and my sister and her family live in Missouri, while my husband and I live in California, and rarely see them.

Any advice much appreciated!

June

I agree, focus on your susters situation

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